Low Country Customs


Now same-sex folk get wedding bands

In Belgium and the Netherlands,

Though red-faced clerics' voices swell

And Amsterdamn us all to Hell.

We gay men - whether camp or butch -

Can plight our troth thanks to the Dutch.


And women, should their thoughts turn Sapphic,

May join the Channel-crossing traffic.

So get on board that boat from Harwich

If you prefer a lesbian marrwich

As wedding vows for she and she

Have legal force on Zuider Zee.


Fairies who grow mutually fonder

Are linked by law in Dendermonde.

If matrimony's for you benders

Then join the pink throng of Ostenders.

Those men who like to shag a gent

Could do much worse than visit Ghent.


Men who take it up the bum

Can now get matched in Hilversum

There's union for the homosex

Amid the splendour that's Utrecht's.

If you're a dyke, a poof, a bugger,

Get spliced in Antwerp or Zeebrugge.

But Tory queers (let's not be vague)

At all costs should avoid The Hague.


 (Written shortly before the 2001 Election)


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